Even If

Not sure how much blogging I'll be doing in the coming days and weeks...it was easy to blog when Dzintars was here, our days were full of love and fun and we had many happy moments to share. But now that he's gone and his future is uncertain I'm struggling to find something happy to say. I mean do you really want to hear how folding his last load of left behind clothes made me cry? Or how much I miss the childish giggles that would escape when he was wrestling with Peter? My heart is literally aching for him, for the sense of loss he must be feeling. I'm brokenhearted, that much is true, but while I still have Peter and the kids, Dzintars is alone and his dream of being a part of a family now seems dashed.

I'm struggling today, wrestling with one tough question: How could it be part of God's plan for this amazing kid to NOT be set in a family??

He's seen me through some particularily rough moments in my life, one year in specific stands out. After three consecutive miscarriages I was broken and empty and all I could do was cry out to God and trust that He was who He said He was! He was ultimately faithful, but things did not unfold the way I wanted them to and it was hard. Devastating even. But now, more than 5 years later I have some perspective and I see his hand at work and how he used that time to shape me.

I love this song by Kutless. Even if...even if Dzintars doesn't find his forever family...even if he ages out of the system...even if I never hear from my boy again...God is God, He is good and forever faithful! Even when life falls apart and his dreams of a forever family are still undone God is faithful!! It's so hard to live in the "unknown" in the darker days where it would be easier to give into the hopelessness of a situation, but though we may not see it or even feel it I KNOW MY GOD IS FAITHFUL.

So today I choose to hold on to what I know is true and who I know my God to be! He's forever faithful, his ways are not my ways and he'll work all things in Dzintars life for good!